GETTING AT THE HEART OF BULLYING

Posted on November 29, 2010 by stanwiedeman

“It’s OK to be different,” the mother told her seven-year-old adopted daughter. “But it’s not OK to be too different,” responded Katie through her tears. She was a victim of bullying at school when some boys teased her about her Star Wars water bottle and backpack, saying only boys like Star Wars.

Most of us have stories of bullying. In my grade school, Deborah was the target of relentless taunting by the boys, who accused her of having cooties, a fictitious invention. I spent most of my eighth-grade year in evasive maneuvers, because a boy repeatedly announced that he wanted to change the shape of my face.

Recent surveys indicate that more than 75 percent of students have been bullied in some way. Nearly one in four elementary students admitted they were bullied one to three times in the last month. Fear of being bullied causes as much as 15 percent of all school absenteeism.

Bullying received the national spotlight in recent years from tragic stories, like 11-year-old Carl Walker-Hoover who hanged himself after months of torment by classmates. In January of this year, 15-year-old Phoebe Prince also took her own life when she felt helpless to escape the severe harassment of fellow students, which had escalated over a three-month period. A Massachusetts District Attorney charged nine students in the incident.

Cyberspace has upped the ante. Gossip and insults spread like a prairie fire on a windy day, thanks to Facebook and Twitter. YouTube was recently used to embarrass a Rutgers student who was filmed in an immoral act. The student later killed himself. And who will forget the brutal beating of a teen girl by six of her peers who lured her to a home for the assault? One of the teens recorded the incident on a cell phone camera with the intention of posting it on YouTube and MySpace.

Historically psychologists blamed bullying on low self-esteem. Further research reveals the opposite, that most bullies have a sense of entitlement and superiority. As many as 40 percent of those who bully have been bullied at home or at school. Permissiveness also breeds bullies. If parents neglect consistent forms of discipline, the child learns to exploit his freedom, which can mutate into a aggressive expressions of power.

Giving good parental training requires a proper view of human nature. Sin has distorted the sense of self in all of us. We all vacillate between a sense of superiority or inferiority, depending upon whom we are comparing ourselves with at the moment.

I encountered an ugly superiority when I traveled to Russia to help train pastors. My sense of elevated confidence in a foreign setting alerted me to an inflated self-esteem. I realized I considered myself better than my fellow believers because I had more education, more advantages, greater opportunities and a better lifestyle. I was the ugly American.

One evening my host related the story if his imprisonment for distributing Bibles during the oppressive period of communism. His wife and children had to get by without him for several years. This family’s faith humbled me. In spite of all my American privileges, these servants of Christ knew him to depths I had not explored. My sense of self shrunk from that encounter.

On the other hand, I am not a stranger to a sense of inferiority. I am frequently intimidated by people who are smarter than me, more gifted or taller than me. Dazzled by their assets, I minimize my own gifts and strengths. I consider myself less than what I am, less than what God thinks about me. In one way, I bully myself with this unbalanced thinking.

Romans 12:3 urges us to form an accurate self-assessment, “I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment.” Sober judgment does not allow us to denigrate the self anymore than it permits us to exalt the self.

In fact, this is true humility, a proper sense of the self so that we are free from insecure self-centeredness. C.S. Lewis put it this way: “Don’t imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he won’t be a sort of greasy smarmy person, who’s always telling you that, of course, he’s nobody. Probably all you’ll think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. … He won’t be thinking about himself at all.” (Mere Christianity)

When you are correctly oriented to God, you discover a freedom to relate to others without thought of yourself. This enables you to serve in the same way Jesus served. “Have this same mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant.” (Philippians 2:5-7)

Bullying can be reduced by a proper self-orientation, which means a right God-orientation. Knowing God results in knowing one’s self and truly knowing one’s self cannot occur without knowing God. If you want to correct the bully tendency in your own child or repair the damage done to your child by a bully, help them discover God’s design.

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SOMETHING BETTER THAN TOLERANCE

Posted on November 23, 2010 by stanwiedeman

In February of this year, the Pew Research Center released a study on the Millennial Generation, those people born after 1980. The research uncovered a trend towards greater tolerance of racial differences.

In a Chicago Tribune article, Ted Gregory explains that some discouraging signs lie beneath the surface of the research. These young adults have grown up proselytized with a diversity slogan. When children of different races and cultures are integrated into their communities and schools, they are less prone to fear those differences. A massive cultural campaign to embrace multiculturalism and diversity has reinforced this acceptance.

Digging deeper, Gregory notes that “tolerance doesn’t necessarily mean understanding. Adults working with teens say they see an unsettling strain of desensitivity among young people.” According to studies, college students are 40 percent less empathic than they were thirty years ago. Many factors might be contributing to this growing hardness, including violent video games, technological social networking and the ruthless content of television, especially in reality shows.

Apparently students exercise tolerance without talking about their cultural distinctions and their effects. They accept dissimilarities without knowing what they mean and they do not take the time to explore the diversity. They are willing to look past skin color, but make no effort to understand what it means to be an African-American or Muslim in a predominantly Christian Anglo culture. This results in an absence of empathy for one another.

This naïve socialization becomes potentially harmful when relationships require deeper bonds of trust and understanding, such as marriage. Two people attracted to one another may construct their mutuality on the things they share in common, but never think to explore contrary ideas or ways of thinking that lie beneath the surface and threaten to disrupt their euphoria.

Deeper diversity inevitably surfaces and requires careful negotiation. Ideally, these differences should be discussed before forming a permanent union. This will test the depth of mutual acceptance necessary to sustain a marriage. If the differences appear after the couple has said “I do,” they can produce competition, conflict or damaging divisions.

A shallow promotion of tolerance has yielded a superficial form of acceptance. Cultural usage has minimized discernment. Fear of bigotry led to indiscriminate approval. Relativism qualified beliefs and choices as private, requiring affirmation without any form of judgment.

Oddly, fear has swung the pendulum in the other direction. The threat of terrorism has driven government leaders to promote discrimination, racial profiling and prejudice. Where is tolerance in the Ground Zero mosque conflict? How can we deny Muslim-Americans the right to build a place of worship simply because it is “near” the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks? Suddenly the differences are linked to consequences. Unfortunately, in this case, the connection lacks logic.

Ideas and beliefs determine choices and behavior. And the behavior of each person affects everyone in his relational circle. The degree of effect varies with the level of association. The beliefs of the person on the elliptical machine next to you at the club will probably not generate any tension with your beliefs. Opposing beliefs may generate some discord between co-workers if they influence business practices. In a marriage, the distinctions may become divisive when it comes to decisions on important matters.

The guiding principle for Christian relationships is to love one another as yourself. Love is not blind. It is discriminating and discerning. It is sensitive and compassionate. Christ-like love considers others as more significant than one’s self. It accepts differences that do not harm either person or the relationship, but it diligently strives to remove anything that threatens to injure the other person. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Cor. 13:7) Love transcends tolerance, especially the shallow kind that has infected our society.

Intolerance does not translate into bigotry by default. We should not tolerate behavior that hurts other people, even the person doing it. We cannot tolerate practices that weaken the social structures necessary to form a cohesive community. Tolerance, as popularly proclaimed, will not take informed action against such threats. Love will.

Tolerance is nice, but love is better.

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A THANKSGIVING THOUGHT

Posted on November 22, 2010 by stanwiedeman

What a remarkable fall we have enjoyed in Chicago this year – mild weather, abundance of sun and colorful leaves that remained on the trees more than a week. This alone might be sufficient to sustain thankful hearts through the Thanksgiving holidays.

Certainly we can find more reasons to be thankful. Consider that we are in a recession that has deleted the jobs of nearly ten percent of the work force. Melvin Durai says, “Be thankful if you have food on your plate, if you aren’t constantly hungry, if you don’t lick your lips whenever you spot your neighbor’s Chihuahua.”

This year I am reminded to be thankful every time I turn on a faucet in our house. When we bought our house eight years ago, our water pressure was weak. It seemed to decrease over time. The upstairs shower produced only a trickle if someone unwittingly started the dishwasher or washing machine. We announced our showers so that no one would flush a toilet or try to take a shower at the same time.

People told me that the pipes in old houses often fill with sludge over the years and I might have to replace mine. The expense of such a project would exceed my bank account by many zeroes, so I kept putting it off.

Our village began a major project along our street, replacing a water main and redoing curbs, sidewalks and street. For several months it has generated extensive dust and endless noise, causing some neighbors to complain.

One day they dug a hole in the parkway in front of our house. Later that day I turned on a faucet that gushed water like a fire hose. I said something to one of the workers who informed me that they discovered a kink in the line to my house and had repaired it. The water pressure would be even greater when they hooked up the new line.

The change was dramatic. I am sure our dishwasher finishes in half the time it used to take, because it fills so much faster. We can run all three showers at the same time and barely notice a difference. My daughter said she feels like she is at a hotel.

Our grateful spirits have endured for several weeks now. I keep wondering how long it will take for the current condition to dilute the memory of our former deplorable condition. How much longer will our thankfulness surge with the water in our home?

Sad that our gratefulness often depends upon comparing our situation with one that is worse. Do we really need to see starving children in Africa to make us appreciate the bounty of food we have? Must we conjure memories of lean financial times to appreciate our present economic comfort? Why can’t we be thankful just for what we have, not what we have in contrast to what others don’t have?

Is some deficiency of your life stealing all your attention and nullifying thankfulness? I can almost guarantee that God has blessed you with at least a thousand things for every one thing you don’t have. Don’t compare. Just look around. And revel in a feast of joy and thanksgiving this year.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow of change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creations.” (James 1:17-18)

 

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AN AIRBAG FOR SUFFERING

Posted on November 16, 2010 by stanwiedeman

A pernicious theology threatens to disconnect your spiritual airbags. It is a cousin to the name-it-and-claim-it theology that thrives among fundamentalists who are less trained in biblical theology. It circulates among evangelicals almost unnoticed because it partners so well with assumptions that flourish in prosperous and highly advanced societies like the U.S.

A superficial study of the Bible will reinforce this theology. More thorough and extensive study unmasks it. The theology repeatedly bangs against reality, causing excessive distress and confusion. Like airbags, good theology can minimize the spiritual injuries from crashes in the real world.

I call this theology “Do right and it will go right.” Many Christians believe that living a morally respectable life, keeping God’s law, at least on the surface, practicing spiritual disciplines with modest regularity and faithfully striving to be a good person will insure them against tragedies that befall those who do not follow this path.

The realities of a fallen world expose this theology, but without a conscious effort to recalibrate, it remains firmly implanted in your articles of faith. You know that this theology has infected you when you are shocked by some hardship or affliction. In addition to the pain incurred by the adversity, you experience mild to severe anger towards God, complaining that this should never have happened to you. It is totally unfair!

Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp ask some incisive questions to reveal this treacherous theology. “Ask yourself, What assumptions do I tend to make about suffering, and how do they increase the pain I experience? Do you expect to be free of trouble? (This often happens when we think we lead a good life compared to others.) Do you tend to think of good things and bad things as completely separate experiences? In reality, difficulty is often hidden in blessing, and blessing is found in difficulty. Do you expect the good things you have to be permanent? Do you live as if you are invincible, thinking that you will have the wisdom and strength to avoid or endure suffering? Are you surprised when you don’t?” (How People Change)

I confess that without thinking, I adopted this theology. How often have I complained to God that my suffering was undeserved and unfair? In a theology of “do right and it will turn out right,” suffering stands out like a turkey in a brood of hens. It does not fit the smooth contours of comfortable theology. Since I did not slip up, God must have made a mistake. How could this happen to me, his righteous servant? Suffering always surprises.

Job’s friends pummeled him with this theology. They persistently argued that his suffering must have occurred because of his own moral failure. Since God is righteous, suffering must always result from sinful behavior. Job clung to his innocence, but throbbed with confusion. Job’s experiences did not harmonize with the do-right-and-it-will-go-right theology.

We observe the most blatant refutation of this theology in the gospels. Jesus, the sinless God-Man, did only what the Father directed him to do. He never acted contrary to the will of God. He never violated God’s perfect law. He loved the Father with his whole heart and others as himself at all times. Yet, he suffered enormous injustices and adversity. In fact, he suffered because he was righteous. Go figure.

We read Paul, James and Peter in the New Testament, but their theology somehow fails to dislodge the do-right theology. Paul encourages, “For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,” Philippians 1:29. Suffering is a privilege?

James instructs, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing,” James 1:2-4. Suffering benefits?

Peter advises, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you,” 1 Peter 4:12. Suffering is normal?

Bottom line: We live in a fallen world. God is sovereign in suffering. God does not make mistakes. He not only knows the suffering is heading our way, He directs it there. In his marvelous and mysterious sovereignty, he uses our suffering for his glory and our good. This theology of suffering is the only reasonable explanation to the harsh realities of life.

We need to learn to expect suffering and welcome it as a friend when it shows up at our door. This theology will not eliminate the pain of suffering, but like an airbag, it will cushion the impact. We will not suffer the added emotional distress of faulty theology.

Do not be surprised by suffering. Expect it. It is God’s gift to you.

 

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TEST THE PREACHERS

Posted on November 9, 2010 by stanwiedeman

A friend of mine asked my opinion yesterday about another man’s ministry. This preacher has a gigantic church. He writes books. His services are broadcast on radio and television. What right do I have to critique his ministry? What criteria should I use to evaluate him?

By all outward signs, the world would judge this man as successful. In a consumer culture, however, popularity almost always equates with success. This standard would render most pastors in America as less than successful, since statistics cluster between 70% and 80% for churches in the U.S. with attendance of 100 or less.

Most of these churches serve communities with small populations, so one could hardly expect them to achieve a list of the 100 largest churches in America. The next benchmark for success in these cases would be growth. Is the church growing? How fast is it growing? Once again, numbers determine the measure of the church’s (and pastor’s) success.

God gave specific instructions to Israel for sizing up those who claimed to be God’s prophets. He warned them that a man might predict a sign or wonder and it may come to pass, but the sign or wonder did not finally constitute a prophet of the true God. If that prophet encouraged Israel to follow any god other than the God of Israel, the people should reject the prophet. He was not sent by the true God. (Deuteronomy 13:1-3)

Of course, if someone who professed prophetic status predicted some event in the future that did not occur, he clearly failed the test. God told Israel that when such a man or woman made a false prediction while claiming to have spoken for God, the people should execute the false prophet. (Deuteronomy 18:20-22)

Verification for true prophets depended upon their message. The message should point people towards the one true God only. Whatever that prophet spoke in the name of God would be consistent with what God had already revealed to his people. It would not contradict his previous words or his character as he had revealed himself.

In the New Testament, the apostle Paul gave one test for determining a true messenger of Christ. He told the Galatians, “If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed.” (Gal. 1:9) Paul claimed to have received the gospel he preached from Christ. That gospel is consistently revealed throughout his letters, particularly in Romans. It is consistent with the teachings of Jesus in the gospel accounts.

Numbers, like signs and wonders, might be an indicator that God has directed His Spirit to work mightily through the ministry of a preacher or a church. But just as miracles can be produced by the power of darkness, so can numbers be inflated for many reasons other than a response to the gospel of Scriptures.

Gifted communicators have the ability to attract large crowds. If people have any spiritual interest, they will most likely go to hear someone preach who engages them or entertains them. The message only has to incorporate spiritual themes to satisfy their curiosity.

Other speakers can achieve popularity through messages that subtly inflate the listener’s ego. Their messages center around personal happiness or success and target the inner feelings about the self. The listener will almost always feel good after listening to these preachers.

Both of these approaches can use Scriptures in their messages – plenty of Scriptures. That does not mean that their message aligns with the gospel that Jesus or Paul preached. Jesus told his followers that they had to deny themselves, become servants and be prepared to forfeit every other relationship in the world in order to follow him. Paul warned that the Christian life would be marked by hardship and suffering in order to live for Christ. These themes will never find their way into the pulpits of those preachers who only want to expand their auditoriums.

Examining the preacher really means examining his message. Does he proclaim the death and resurrection of Jesus as an atonement for human sin? Does he call people to repentance and faith in the gospel alone for God’s forgiveness of sins? Does he warn people to count the cost of following Christ, because the Scriptures warn that discipleship will produce inevitable suffering? Does he consistently teach the doctrines of God rather than popular advice that appeals to the consumer psyche?

You may be squeamish about evaluating preachers, especially popular ones. Yet, you must take care that you do not find your belief system deformed by preaching that deviates from the gospel. The apostle John warned, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” (1 John 4:1) Not everyone who stands in a pulpit, who holds a Bible, who speaks with charisma, who fills his auditoriums, preaches in the Spirit of God. Test the preachers to see if they preach the gospel.

 

 

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